How to Ask Someone if They Want to Talk

Most of us feel an immediate sense of dread at the thought of broaching the topic of "what are we?" with those we're hooking up with or casually dating. It's terrifying to put yourself out there, especially if you don't know how the other person feels.

We asked therapists and relationship experts how to approach it, if you're considering having "the talk."

1. Know when it's the right time to define the relationship—and when it isn't.

You know it's the right time to have the talk when you cannot get the thought out of your head. "Not all relationship anxiety is bad anxiety—anxiety can nudge us towards something that needs to happen," says Rebecca Hendrix, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles. "If you obsess about where your relationship is going, most likely you are at the point where you need to know."

That being said, there is such a thing as bringing up your relationship status too soon. For example, if you've only gone on a few dates, it's probably too soon—even, says Hendrix, if you've slept together. "If you choose to sleep with someone sooner than your system can handle it, then it is on you to help manage your anxiety. Don't ruin a blooming connection by pushing for too much too soon," she says.

2. Remind yourself that it's OK and healthy to ask for what you want.

"Remind yourself that it's ok to ask for what you want in life, whether it be a promotion or the type of relationship you want. The worst thing that could happen is that the person says no. If they do say no, it's information that can help you take the next step that is best for you," explains Hendrix.

3. Don't be afraid of scaring them off.

"If this is the person you are supposed to be with there is nothing you can do or ask that is going to make them go away. If it is 'your person' nothing will keep them away," says Hendrix.

4. Have the conversation face-to-face.

"As tempting as it might be to have difficult conversations by phone or text, make sure you talk about this in person," says Chiara Atik, dating expert and author of Modern Dating: A Field Guide. "Texting is far too ambiguous for this type of conversation, and phone conversations just aren't the same as meeting face-to-face. If you do want to have a relationship, then maturely discussing things in person is the absolute best way to start things off."

5. Don't start the chat with "We need to talk."

"We need to talk" are four of the most anxiety-producing words in the English language. Avoid them at all costs. "Don't ever say to somebody 'we need to talk' because that will immediately throw them into a panic," says Los Angeles-based relationship and dating coach Lisa Shield.

6. Be honest if you're feeling nervous.

You're allowed to have butterflies about both the talk and also what it means. It's normal—and your potential partner is probably in the same boat. Some people are more afraid of committing to the wrong person than they are of commitment itself. You can be honest and say you're not sure they're the one, but you think it's worth finding out.

7. Keep it light! The conversation doesn't have to be serious just because the topic is.

"The talk shouldn't be heavy and pressure-filled," says Andrea Syrtash, dating expert and author of He's Just Not Your Type (and That's a Good Thing). "If you want to tell them you see more potential, you can let them know in a fun and upbeat way. You can say something like, I'm no longer surfing around to find dates. Happily took my profile down today.' That may open up the conversation. If they respond, Why would you do that? Don't do that!' that's probably a sign they're not ready. If they smile and say they've done the same, the conversation will be much easier."

8. Be straightforward.

Resist the urge to have a long, drawn-out debate or explanation of your feelings—it's easier for both of you if you're direct and clear. What might you say? Hendrix gives this example of a confident and clear way to broach the subject:

How to Ask Someone if They Want to Talk

Source: https://www.glamour.com/story/what-are-we-dating-tips

Share this post